Will O' the Wisp

Sometime you try to ignite a hope within yourself, you repeat in your mind that everything would be fine just like it was, sometimes you try your best to understand what happens around you, you try to reject the reality, you try to accept the worst that can happen in future, sometimes you struggle to comprehend the easiest of things because you just don't want to. You fail to reason out the simplest of things, you fail to explain, you fail to synchronize things like both of your hands. And among these difficult sometimes, which also make you guilty of the fact how much for granted you have taken freedom in your life, you find yourself taking shelter in the memories of the best recent times you've spent, among the people who have made an entire new world for you. (I remember once copying a sentence from a song and writing to one of my friends which read "hum duniya se lar lenge, par tere bagair nehi".) And then you realise, the world for everyone is not the world for y...

To that one unknown being - Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll turn 22.  There are so many times I missed you. I missed being with you, I missed your hug and I missed your presence.  Tomorrow I'll turn 22. We have spent 22 years without each other. 22 years with just having each other in our minds and struggling with the intense longing to be together. I wish someday we meet and I never have to let you go. I wish someday we meet and meet in the most beautiful part of the world. We'll stay. For as long as we want to. We'll stay. Till we never have to leave again.  I have always loved you and I will always love you whether or not we ever come to know each other

We often judge or see things in black and white. Both the colours are extreme opposites to each other according to our colour palettes. We start with a white page and end with black borders in necessary areas in a painting. The use of the phrase "black and white" to denote right and wrong is very frequent in our conversations. When today I see a lot of posts and awareness on racism, I realize that black to denote wrong and white to denote right is something we all do. And how small but strong this seedling of racism is, which we very frequently and casually use in everyday conversations.  The irony of the story is this, when we were children and scratched with all the crayons in one circle, with colours obviously not restricting to the drawn margins, it often ended up being black. I was always told in my art class, to use black at the end because black merges all your colours, because black consists of all the colours.

Truth is relevant and irrelevant to mind with and without pain. What if all of them are knotted in the most complicated way possible? It sounds crazy, but it feels worse.  You question the universal truths of life, of existence because you can no more bear the pain of hearing what is not true, so you believe what is not true as the truth. You know it can't be true, you know there is a universe and it has nothing to do with your petty existence but you still question. You keep questioning until you fall asleep, you question the trees, the butterflies and the bugs around you. You question all of them around you and expect an answer. No one answers. Is it because it is the truth and you were in denial? You question again, the more you question, the worse you feel.  Truth is relevant. An imposed truth also is a truth to you.Truth is relevant and irrelevant to mind and time.

This has been just a week of this quarantine period and I'm already frustrated with this. And after all these months, this morning a news scared me for the first time. The thought which occurs to me frequently from then is what if this is it for me? This would be worse than I thought, I wouldn't be able to meet anyone for one last time. A few days before I read a letter of Kafka to Milena (which I also shared on Facebook) where he wrote "Perhaps we don’t love unreasonably because we think we have time, or have to reckon with time. But what if we don't have time? Or what if time, as we know it, is irrelevant? Ah, if only the world were ending tomorrow. We could help each other very much." Where is the end? Has end ever come with a warning before?

There is a person, and there is no one. There is love and there is nothing. There is a world and there is darkness, there is a way and there is space. There is autumn, there is spring, there is summer and there is scare. There are long canopies, there are illusions, there are music, there is happiness, there are people and there is no one. The no one is sometimes a tunnel, it leads you to all the former things, the no one is peace, the no one is your heart, the no one is everything you wish it to be or it is null  (:

We live between significance and insignificance. We live between being significant and insignificant. While there are some people who are very significant to you and you suddenly realise how small a part of their universe you are, you also feel happy with the passerby who behaved very sweetly with you, with the classmate of yours who was very kind to you,  with the kitten in the street who walked with you till the roads diverged. The sadness is as much as the happiness. The being empty is as much as being full. You confuse, you comprehend, you embrace and you grow.