Will O' the Wisp

This morning I chose to have coffee over tea. These choices, whether to drink coffee or tea, to take the metro or Uber to office, give me immense joy, and a hint of contentment. Having some, albeit very little, control over certain things that I do that bring great happiness to me is gratifying. I no longer have to drink milk and bread in breakfast out of compulsion or remember to call someone if I'll be coming home late.  In a new city which has its own aura of clusters and glories, achieving these small joys, and to be able to make the choices are a tremendous source of mental comfort. I have never truly had a home, so for me, home became an idea, a comfortable state of mind.  Choosing coffee over tea, gives me that comfort, the luxury, which perhaps I might just start calling home.

As an actor  You play roles Everyday You play roles for the audience  Doctor, fisherman, teacher, pilot Child, friend, sibling, neighbour  You read the dialogues You try to understand the words to the best of your ability  Interpret the sounds, the stage, the light, the wit  You question yourself if you are interpreting it right, You take time -  You go back to playing roles, some you like, some you don’t  While being in one character, you miss playing the other Sometimes you try to swipe roles  Sometimes you break characters  Perhaps because you don't like this one, or just plain because you're tired Sometimes the audience don't clap in which you think is your best shot Sometimes they mistake you for being the role that you play. The play ends  The curtain falls You take back some characters  You leave some in the theatre You imitate some, and you detest some  Yet you love to play them You find peace in knowing how different personalities you can master   The play ends  Yo

There's a gnawing pain, which keeps coming back, in fragments  It is not a part of my heart, but perhaps part of some air around me.  When I am without it, it hardly touches me, and when it does, I become a part of it.  There's a gnawing pain, which I don't complain much about,  it is an occasional reminder of the things that hurt me.  This pain shapes the bottom of the shirt I wear, sometimes I keep it loose, sometimes I tuck it inside.  This pain decides my hair in the morning, whether to comb in the most serious mood or to keep it casual.  The gnawing pain eventually fades, and I don't complain.  I go back to my everyday routine - breath, eat, travel, work, et al - the basics. I forget about it amidst a very busy day to decide whether to come home by bus or metro. In the middle of all these sometimes I remember that I had felt that pain, I smile And perhaps that keeps the heart alive ....

I have seen daybreaks in the middle of nights  I have seen night breaks in the middle of days  I have known the weather outside anchoring the inside  I have known the weather inside embracing that of outside And I have loved all of them, always Now, for once I specially love the evenings  I can see the day and the night both in the sky  I can see the contrast in the clouds  The contrast of colours which are neither too light nor too dark  They are somewhere floating in the middle Creating shades, in the sky, in my eyes  Among all these convoluted and exquisite colours, I can see you. I can see you Before the clouds, and beyond the clouds  I can see you in all the shades that exist in the sky,  The blue, yellow, orange, purple, red I can see you through the spectrum of million rainbows, and through the monocle of absolute nothingness I can make anything that I want of you And thats what makes life beautiful ... ❤️

  Dear God,  Make them stronger who hurt without knowing the pain they cause,  Make me strong, but make them stronger so that they can face the words they once threw at someone Make them stronger so that they heal from the wound they've been a part of Make them stronger so that they can let it go, even if it is repeatative  Make them stronger so that they don't lose hope of loving and happiness after they come across such agony Make them strong enough, so that they can forgive those who have bled their heart,  And themselves if they realise they have done that too... 

 Sometimes I want to be rescued  Not by a prince charming or a princess  But by the time,  By my fate, by destiny if I can call it so Because sometimes I desperately want people to be gentle with me I want situations to be settling, if only a little I know it's not only me It's a lot of us, and we all fight a relatively equally terrible battle  In one way or the other  I'm not sure whether to believe in God  But the wish to be rescued almost resonates like a prayer  Not always, not often, but sometimes Sometimes I wish the people were gentler  The time was calmer  Or perhaps I was rescued ...

If I could tell you that I followed you through the barren land  The decayed forest, the people less roads. I have followed you through the heavy wind  The ruins of the dead and through the void of my heart,  To see how far I can go  To explore what I carry for myself Because only when I can let you go  I can hold myself stronger  And through this quest for the ideal soul, which you were to me I have come a long way with myself  Through this quest for the ideal soul, which you were to me I have become one  The one I wanted to be I have become one, with the journey and all its atrocities  I have become one, that may have cost the deepest grief  The grief that permeates your heart, because you know you need it  The grief which you embrace with time The grief which my friend has called to be a beautiful sadness  Because it teaches you that beauty can be felt with both filled and empty heart

 It's been years, and maybe you've buried my memories by now It's been years and maybe we've forgotten our ways to each other And since it's been years, and we are miles apart  I know for sure, how much you meant to me  How much I cherished you  How much you lit my world up  And now since it's been years, I can see you clearer  There's no fog in the sky, there's no pull backs in my head Now since it's been years, I know for sure how much you meant to me Maybe I, to you It stays this way  Because since it's been years and maybe you have forgotten me by now I know for sure that yours were the first touch of love  That made me feel life's worth it, despite everything Just to know how beautiful love can make you feel. And although we are miles apart, I go back to it quite unconsciously, time and again Without having even the slightest hope that you remember me How you made me feel stays It stays  This way, till the end